When Chaos Meets Order - Finding Balance in Work & Life

12-May-2021

I used to live my life with an outrageously strict schedule. Every hour had a predetermined activity and I executed this schedule regardless. I consistently overloaded myself with activity, amped myself up with stimulants to keep up, which inevitably lead to hitting a wall and a 3 day depressive episode. I'd pull myself out of this depression with an excited re-commitment to my schedule. This up / down cycle continued for years.

Through some self work, I am now aware of my inner experience and that of those around me.  During this "inner work"  I dropped the schedule completely.... just floating through life attending to the present moment. I soon found myself in a similar state of depression, this time not from over activity, but from overwhelming boredom and lack of purpose.

I went from extreme order to extreme chaos. What I needed, and what I'm offering you in this article, is the opportunity to come into balance.


Too Much Order

A schedule requires you to dedicate specific time for emails, tasks, progress on important projects; Quality time with family, friends, building & maintaining a network; Quality time with yourself for exercise, travel, and personal development. You commit to attending to these priority items at their allotted times. But then life happens.

Your niece FaceTimes you to show you her new slip & slide at the wrong time; A crazed teenager breaks into your rental and holds the building hostage for 10 hours; Your friend has a mini-crisis and needs to talk it through; A prospect you've been working for 9 months finally requests a proposal. You come down with a cold. You're exhausted. And all of these people do these things, selfishly, at the wrong time. Your energy levels rarely match your schedule. 

When there is no room for spontaneity in your schedule, you have 3 choices:

  1. Say no, when you want (or should) say yes. Decline your nieces call, delegate emergencies, ignore or call back your friend, delay response to the prospect.
  2. Say yes, when you want (or should) say no. Pushing yourself to work, attend social functions, or work out despite health and energy levels. 
  3. Abandon your schedule. And yet again, feel like a failure. Queue the negative self talk & self sabotaging behavior. 

All of this leaves you feeling stressed, frantic, and frustrated. You'll lack progress on important projects, skipping workouts and / or family time to try to make up the work, the downward cycle continues until the inevitable crash & bounce back. 

The problem with a perfectly structured day is reality is unpredictable. 


Too Much Chaos

Instead, you may adopt a laissez faire attitude. Reality exists without interference and you're only responsibility is to respond to occurring events to the best of your ability. You do everything when you feel like doing it; Working, eating, sleeping, exercising will all happen in their own time; You don't initiative events with family or friends, only respond. There is no time or place for anything, there are few rules or boundaries on your time, energy, activities, or what you'll do for others. You're down for whatever. But actually, you're not.

You have ambition, goals, a potential to reach. You enjoy some activities more than others. People will try to take advantage of you. You want deep, meaningful connections with those you care about. You value your health. You like knowing the general direction of your life. And you like feeling in control of that direction.  

When release control completely, you create 3 primary issues:

  1. You become dependent on other people. You are no longer steering your own ship, so other people do it for you. You can feel taken advantage of, like you must act or speak a certain way to keep people in your life, and/or; You can feel resentful toward others when they help you for keeping you dependent (whether or not it is actually them, or actually you).
  2. Lack of progress in every area of life. You lack any direction for your future, so planning and strategizing are non-existent. Problems arise that could have easily been prevented. You can feel depressed, like something is missing, like you aren't living up to your potential. Everything seems to take way longer than it should. 
  3. Decisions are incredibly difficult to make. You don't know where your going, what your priorities are, or even what you're doing today, so most choices seem fine. No matter what you choose, that will be the new reality and that will be fine. Since you don't know what to do, you need the input of several people, who all have varying opinions, and you become more confused and overwhelmed. 

The problem with a lack of structure is reality is unpredictable.


Finding Balance

The problem with both options is reality is unpredictable.  On one extreme, we try to maintain rigid structure, placing unrealistic and unfair expectations on ourselves and others; On the other, we completely surrender to the unpredictability of life, creating complete chaos and vulnerability. There is a point between the two where we find balance. We find our flow.

Finding that point is a test and check process unique to each individual, what works for me specifically may not be what works for you.

Regardless, each of us needs to:

  1. Identify what to do. What are your priorities? Where are you going? What actions, habits and routines do you need in place to get you there?
  2. Decide when to do it. When will you do these things? 
  3. Do it when you decided to do it. Create your schedule, allow for flexibility, and check in regularly to make adjustments to your routine.  Expect good days & bad days, keep yourself accountable while recognizing you are a human, not a machine. 

When Chaos meets Order, you are in Balance. 


1. Identify What You Need to Do

Write down the 20 most important things you want to accomplish in your life, your highest priorities.  Then cross out 15 of them and focus on the Top 5.  This sounds a little nuts, but if you are like most people, you are simply trying to do too much. Here's mine as an example. 

  • Maintain Self Care - This includes attending to my physical, mental, emotional & spiritual well-being. For me, this means:
    • Exercise 60 mins, 6x / week
    • Mediate 15 min, 2 x day
    • Read 30 min / day
    • Skin, hair, nail routine
    • Clean / maintain home 30 min, 2x day
    • Outdoor activity at least 4 hrs / week (snowboard, hike, bike, walk)
  • Maintain Deep Connections - Keep sacred, quality time available for my immediate family, close friends, and network. I expect my sphere to be consistently growing & hold me accountable to my growth. For me, this means:
    • Family time w/ Spouse, at least 1 hr, 1x / day
    • Niece / Nephew weekend visit, at least 1x / month
    • "Do for Others", at least 8hrs / week
  • Inspire Myself & Others to Own the Future - I created the phrase "Own Your Future" that I use to remind myself & others that we create our futures every day. I want to inspire people to own that reality as a living example, by showing up fully when needed, by never giving up on myself or others, by always believing in myself and others, and always seeing the good in every person & situation. For me, this means:
    • Close at least 1 deal / month
    • Produce at least 1 piece of content piece / week
    • Add at least 5 new people / week to CRM
    • Review finances 1 hr / month - allocate funds with 30 / 30 / 30 / 10 rule. 

 

That's it. If I do these things, I'm in balance. The rest of my time I do whatever. 


2. Decide When You'll Do It

This is where we write the "structure" part. Notice how much flexibility is in my schedule, I have SO MUCH time available for appointments & other people. I get everything I need for myself done between 6am and 12pm, the rest of my life is attending to family, friends, clients, and my team.   

My balance might lean a little more on structure, through my own test and check process, this is what is working for me right now. This is my life in balance; You create yours.


Ideal Schedule


Morning Routine, Monday thru Saturday:

  • 6 - 6:30am - Get Up, Drink Water, Meditate
  • 6:30 - 8am - Work Out
  • 8 - 8:30am - Breakfast, Clean House
  • 8:30 - 9am - Get ready

Work Routine, Monday - Saturday:

  • 9 - 10am - Create Content
  • 10 - 10:30am - Add to CRM / Contact Follow Up
  • 10:30 - 11:30am - Deals.
  • 11:30 - 12pm - Emails / Tasks / Follow Up

From 6am to 12pm Monday - Saturday, I am focused on the primary things I need to get done for my health and my business. 

  • Mon - Fri; 12 - 3pm; Appointments

  • Tues, Wed + Sat; 12 - 7pm; Appointments

These are showings, client meetings, team meetings, personal appointments... all the times I need to be a specific place at a specific time for a specific reason.  This is extremely flexible time. 

Do for Others

  • Mon + Thurs; 3 - 7pm

This is when I think about my family, friends, team and network. What can I do for them? I plan things I can do to make their lives easier, enhance their life, or refer them business.  Do for Others is an amazingly rewarding aspect of my life. 

Go Outside

  • Fri; 3 - 7pm - Snowboard, bike, hike, go to a park, anything outdoors
This can be done alone or with others, giving me an opportunity to invite those I care about to a fun, healthy event. 

Evening Routine, Sunday thru Thursday:

  • 7 - 8pm - Dinner / Clean House

  • 8 - 9pm - Family Time
  • 9 - 9:30pm - Read / Chill
  • 9:30 - 10pm - Wash face, brush teeth, etc
  • 10 - 11pm - Go to bed

Remaining Saturday + Sunday:

  • As scheduled

The weekend is for family, but is left largely open for flexibility & events such as trips, parties, weddings, baby showers, etc. 

Boundaries

Schedules, structure and order are other words for the presently popular buzz word "Boundaries."  You are identifying what you need to feel the best about yourself. This work is creating the time & space necessary for you, your well-being, your inner experience and your contributions. This work gives you confidence to explain your boundaries to those in your life, so they can support you and be understanding when you are unavailable to attend to their needs.  


3. Do It When You Decided to Do It

This is where test and check comes in. I recommend a regular review, compare your ideal schedule to your actual schedule. Yet another reason to keep a journal for regular reflection on your thoughts, emotions, and behavior. How well are you sticking to your schedule? 

If you find yourself not sticking to your schedule, there are likely one or all of these issues present:

You're setting unrealistic expectations for yourself.

Reduce expectations so you can consistently stick to your schedule, you can always increase later. For example, if you scheduled yourself for a 60 minute workout 6 days a week, but find yourself working out 2 days a week, you will feel like crap. Chances are you need to build up to that intensity level. Ask yourself, what is the real goal here? Certainly it's not a daily workout; It's more likely something like maintaining a healthy body.

You're violating your own boundaries.

If you find yourself consistently breaking promises to yourself, it's time to reflect yet again. Why are you breaking promises to yourself? What are you doing instead of what you are scheduled to do, how do you feel when you do this? This can get very deep, it requires a strong commitment to yourself to find the underlying fear that is putting you against yourself. 

For most people, the underlying fear or pain stems from some combination of feeling of unworthy (who do I think I am), feeling inadequate (I'm not good enough), feeling undeserving / guilty (I should be grateful for what I have), and / or fear of failure (what will others think).  

These deep seated fears left unattended manifest as lack of consistency, procrastination, disorganization, and emotional reactivity. 

Others are violating your boundaries.

Before you accuse others of this, ask yourself, have you clearly and consistently communicated your boundaries? If not, start there. You must explain to those in your life what your doing, when, and why it is important. If you have done this and feel others are still violating your boundaries, it's time to reexamine some relationships. 

Who in your life tries to understand your schedule, your boundaries, and your objectives? Who consistently supports you maintain those boundaries and who consistently challenges them? 

You've changed.

You are under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago. You are an ever evolving, growing, expanding soul. Your desires and needs change; Adapt accordingly.

You can't manage time; You can only manage yourself.

 

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